Seven Toys I WON’T be Buying for my Children this Christmas

It’s November and the toy manufacturers are vying for our money. There are so many advertisements on the television for all kinds of games and toys and this year there seems to be some kind of competition for the most disgusting toys. When I watch the adverts I can’t help wondering who thought up these ideas for toys that are so different from the Etch-a-sketch and Spirograph of my own childhood. Here are some toys I will not be buying this Christmas.

  1. Doggie Doo.  “The hilarious Doggie Doo action game! Feed the dog, throw the dice and take turns to pump the lead. If he poops on your turn, scoop the poop and it’s the first to three poops wins!” Yes, it’s a game about dog poo. Why would anyone want to play a game about dog poo? I don’t even want to think about what the poo is made of and what it looks (or smells) like.
  2.  Gooey Louie. “Take it in turns to stick your finger up poor Louie’s nose and pull out many stretch gooeys, eurgh! Be careful if you pull out the wrong gooey then his eyes will bulge and his brain will explode!” Oh, what joy – a game about bogeys! Why? Just why?
  3. Seagull Splat. “Seagull is flying happily around?. Splat! What is falling on the beach?” Oh great, another game about animal poo. Apparently it comes with “seagull foam solution”. Sounds delightful.
  4. Og on the Bog. “Og the Ogre has retired to his outhouse toilet and players must carefully steal his loo rolls to win! Trigger a noise and if he farts, you lift a loo roll or if he shouts, your turn is over. But if the toilet explodes, you lose all your loo rolls and have to start again!” No, there will be no exploding toilets in my house this Christmas.
  5. Gross Magic. Everybody loves magic tricks, don’t they? What could possibly be objectionable about a box of magic tricks? “Pull brown slimy poo from an empty toilet, clean a snotty rag with the flick of a wrist or magically fill an empty dustbin with rubbish.” OK so this one is off the Christmas list too.
  6. Pig Goes Pop. “Feed burgers to the pig and watch his tummy grow until he pops. His arms snap out and his jacket flies open!” OK so this game is all about force feeding a pig with burgers until he explodes from over-eating. What kind of relationship with food will my kids grow up with if they spend their childhood playing Pig Goes Pop?
  7. Pie Face. “Just put whipped cream or a wet sponge on the hand of the game unit and turn the handles. It could go off at any time, so keep your fingers crossed it’s not you.” Oh, what fun! You get to humiliate yourself and get whipped cream all over the living room! This game also comes with the warning: “Only for domestic use.” What does that mean? What other use would you use it for? Industrial use? Office use?

I might moan when my children just want electronic games for Christmas but at least they have not asked for any of the above. I’d rather get them a Wii than a game about poo.

gooey

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